


Hold Me Under The Water and The Stars

by heartSelect



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: But i swear it's not angst, Im not good with summaries either, Introspective Angst, Just let them be happy 2k17, M/M, NOt really tho coz it's just the Squad, Pool Party, Post-Squip, im not good with titles, it starts slow
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-24
Updated: 2017-05-26
Packaged: 2018-11-04 08:10:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10986939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartSelect/pseuds/heartSelect
Summary: It's a weekend vacation with just the squad.Michael and Jeremy need to talk.[Previous Title : Water and Stars]





	1. Hold Your Breath

**Author's Note:**

> I'm a sucker for people resolving their problems ok. I just feel like it's a thing in most stories where they just avoid talking about what happened due to Angsty™ reasons but I just want them to talk about their problems and be ok, ok.
> 
> Hope you like the read!

Michael sat down at the edge of the pool on the deep end, his feet submerged in the water. They were in a private resort (courtesy of Brooke and Chloe) and it was just them mostly relaxing and having fun. At first, they thought they should throw a big wild party or something but after Halloween, they decided big parties may not be what they needed and just settled for a small weekend vacation.

It’s been months since the play and at the start, Michael was a  bit hesitant about being friends with the popular crowd. The whole being the center of attention isn’t really his thing. It didn’t help either that he wasn’t ‘connected’ to them because he was the only one who didn’t get squipped so it took a bit longer to get along but they were surprisingly welcoming (even though some of them seemed passive about it) and soon enough, he found himself enjoying their company.

Michael smiled at the thought as he watched the others mingle (he wasn’t wearing any glasses though so all he sees is vague shapes). Jake looked like he was trying to blow up a beach ball (although looking very red) and Rich just cheering on the side. Chloe was behind Brooke, doing something with her hair as Brooke used the electric pump to inflate what looked like a killer whale. The other 3 were inside fixing up food as far as he could remember. It was nice having more friends. Don’t get him wrong, no one can replace Jeremy ( ** _no one_** ), it’s just that the idea of less chances of being alone was comforting.

Michael took a deep breath before going down into the water. This pool was about 8 to 10 feet deep and as he felt his feet touch the floor, he looked around. He couldn’t really see anything but the blue and the muffled sounds of water to his ears was calming. He closed his eyes and began counting.

He’d be lying if he said what happened at the party didn’t affect him at all. The first night, just after going home crying, he couldn’t bring himself to even go to his own bathroom. He kept hearing his own heart in his head and before he knows it, he was crying again as if he was reliving what happened at the party. It hurt. It hurt _a lot_. Even after the play and Jeremy was finally okay, he just couldn’t help but be scared of being abandoned again. He couldn’t even look at his own bathtub without feeling his chest tighten and hyperventilating so he tried to do his business as quickly as possible to avoid going into an attack.

Then there was one day he had an off day. There wasn’t a particular reason for it, he just felt out of it and Jeremy was on a date with Christine at the time and he didn’t really feel like doing anything. He went to the bathroom and he stopped and just stared at the tub. Off days meant hollow for Michael. Days where he just felt sad for no reason but also not really feeling anything at all either. Before he knew it, he was already laying down the tub. He didn’t feel panic or scared. He just laid there, staring at the ceiling.

Michael opened his eyes for a second, seeing shapes from the other end of the pool. He was at 92 so far before he closed his eyes and continued counting. His feet slowly floating off the floor and his hair just flowing messily under the water. It felt oddly comforting. The way the water enveloped him and flowed all around.

This was what he did on off days and bad days (especially when weed just didn’t cut it). He would lay in his bathtub filled with water and count underwater while holding his breath. Maybe it _was_ him being slightly suicidal, almost like counting the seconds before his breath would give out and he’d pass out and drown but it made him feel strong. Just the feeling of pressure in your chest and getting that relief after resurfacing _felt good_. As if knowing how to hold your breath longer helped in holding yourself better (he did joke about it being like childbirth). The way he would struggle and try to push it and it just felt good after resurfacing and taking that first breath again to think that _hey, you beat your record. You got better_.

Michael felt movement in the water nearby but he didn’t bother opening his eyes. He kept counting. He’s gotten really good at counting seconds precisely. 200. He gave a puff of breath and creating bubbles to release some of the growing pressure in his chest.

Jeremy and Christine didn’t work out(they’re still good friends though). Michael felt bad for Jeremy, he really did but Michael couldn’t help but feel _hopeful_. After the squip, things just hasn’t been the same. Jeremy was the one who introduced Michael to the others (eventually, he did join drama with them but less acting and more technical stuff like props, sound and lighting) and Jeremy was just over all better, a bit more confident. A bit hesitant (ok _a lot_ more hesitant) but he was more out there and Michael felt like he was slowly being left behind again.

Jeremy kept reassuring Michael that it wouldn’t happen again and he believes it, he really does but they never really got around to talking properly about what happened. One reason being it’s already bad enough for Jeremy, being traumatized from the stupid supercomputer _from Japan_ and Michael not wanting to be a burden but it seems like every time they _do_ try to talk about it, it just ends up really self-depracating and always ends with ‘I’m sorry’s and ‘I forgive you’s and nothing is just properly resolved.

They still hang out like always. It’s just, there’s this heavy weight that Michael always feels that they just out right avoid talking about that bothers him to no end. A barrier that just prevents both of them from being open to each other unlike before everything.

Michael felt the water move a lot more, someone was close. He just got to the 300s and decided he might as well head up because the pressure was getting unbearable. Then he felt fingers brush his cheeks and he opened his eyes to see _Jeremy_. Curly hair flowing underwater and framing his face that made Michael’s heart swell as his eyes shine so blue underwater and he _was so close_ and _goddamit_ Michael can already feel his heart skip a beat. Michael gasped in surprise at the closeness, ultimately causing the air left in his lungs to leave and he immediately kicked himself up resurface.

 _ **'Holy** **shit**_ ,' Michael thought as he brought himself up on his elbows at the edge of the pool, trying his best to catch his breathing, coughing lightly because of the water. He heard Jeremy resurface but Michael was too focused on his heart hammering out of his chest (because of Jeremy or the fact that Michael almost drowned, he did not know (it was probably both)).

“Oh my god, dude, are you alright?!” Jeremy asked, practically screeching in a concerned tone, a hand to Michael’s back and Michael just about got enough oxygen in his lungs to take glance at Jeremy by his side and _Holy shit_ is right.

 _'This guy is going to be the DEATH of me_ ,' Michael thought before backing down to the water, finally gaining more control with his breathing. “Y-Yeah. I’m fine,” he answered, a bit breathless. God, Michael just couldn’t get the image of Jeremy from under the water out of his mind (in fact, he’s actually burning it in his mind so he’ll never forget). It’s a miracle he doesn’t look red (well, atleast he hopes he doesn’t look red). He saw Jeremy hesitate, concern still on his face and Michael eyes softened at that look. He gave a grin at Jeremy. “I just got startled, Jere, I’m fine.”

Jeremy opened his mouth before closing it again. Michael sighed before hauling himself out of the pool and sitting down by the wall and leaning back and closing his eyes. One down side about holding your breath to your limit is that it gets really tiring. Especially, _especially_ if you almost drowned ~~and because your crush since 8th grade got *too* close underwater~~.

“I’ll- I’ll get you something okay?” Jeremy stammered out as he got out of the pool and stood up. “I’ll be back in a few.” All Michael did was nod in response.

As he heard Jeremy’s steps walk away, Michael opened his eyes and watched him. He’s been doing that a lot since the squip, the whole ‘I’ll be back’ and though it was small, Michael appreciated the gesture. Gestures matter and this particular one, Michael would probably cherish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~Did u notice I didn't write anything about clothes. They could all be butt naked and skinny dipping for all i know~~
> 
> I finished reading the script and listening to the audio a few days ago so I tried to put in canon stuff here and there. I've already finished writing the next chapter and i promise there is no angst.
> 
> Feel free to leave a comment and kudos! Those make my day 1000x better tbh


	2. Hold Your Tongue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy eats a sandwich.
> 
> Michael _also_ eats a sandwich.
> 
> They talk for a bit.
> 
> Rich gets hit with a ball.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised no angst so here is no angst.

Jeremy walked back, holding a two cans of coke and two sandwiches (courtesy of Christine) to where Michael sat. Michael’s back against the wall, arms over knees, head settled on his folded arms, most likely tired from what happened.

“Hey.” Jeremy said, lightly making the ice cold coke touch Michael’s cheek to catch his attention. Michael looked up and gave a small smile, accepting the coke and the sandwich before opening and the soda. Jeremy sat next to Michael, opening his own coke as well just as Rich did a cannonball at the other pool, causing the ball that Chloe was trying to get to drift further. He copied his best friend’s position from before, glancing at Michael as he drank his soda.

Jeremy opened his mouth to say something before closing it in hesitation. He’s been doing that a lot lately. Hesitating. Always second guessing every little action. Sort of a side effect from the Squip because he got used to always being told what to do or say and just following because, as much as he didn’t want to admit it, things usually go right. But now that that’s gone and out of the way, he can’t help himself but always think about…well, everything. His posture, where his hands is, what he wears, how he talks, what he should say; the list goes on. He always thinks he’ll do something horribly wrong or off and it just bothers him.

He heard Michael give a satisfied sigh, “Ah, that was refreshing. Thanks, dude.” Michael said, grinning and Jeremy gave a smile back before taking a few gulps from the can and giving his own sigh, settling comfortably and leaning back.

“Yeah, you’re welcome. What were you doing at the bottom of the pool for so long anyway?” Jeremy asked, watching Michael as he threw the empty can of coke to a nearby trashcan. He heard Michael whisper a small ‘yes’ in triumph as it went in. “I thought you were dead.” Jeremy joked but he’d be lying if he said that he didn’t get  ~~extremely~~ worried when he saw Michael underwater, just floating and unmoving. He had been looking for Michael and when Jake said he saw him by the deep pool, he went there immediately and he didn’t even notice Michael at all for a minute since he was under the water.

“Uh, I was counting?” Michael answered, sounding more like a question than an actual answer. Jeremy raised an eyebrow at Michael as he went and unwrapped the sandwich (how Christine had the patience to wrap each and every one with tissue, he did not know). “I was trying to see how long I could stay underwater without breathing.” Michael shrugged, taking a bite from his sandwich.

“With your eyes closed?” Jeremy teased “Michael, you looked like you were having a really nice nap underwater.” He said, placing his coke to his side and unwrapping his sandwich.

Michael laughed, elbowing Jeremy’s side. “Jeremy, my buddy, I’m already practically blind. I’m not gonna open my eyes underwater and risk making my eyesight worse,” Michael said, even his eyes were smiling and Jeremy couldn’t help but just notice how bright they are and realize Michael hasn’t been wearing his glasses since changing to go swim. “I can’t play video games if I’m blind!”

It was Jeremy’s turn to laugh. “Oh no! What will I do then? Who would finish Apocalypse of the Damned level 12 with me if my player two is blind?!” Jeremy exasperated, making Michael snort as he chewed another bite from his sandwich. Jeremy smiled at the sound, taking the can of coke at his side and finishing it before passing it to Michael. “But for real though, you actually got me worried. How far did you get?” Jeremy asked as Michael took the empty can and threw it to the can. It hit the side but got in nonetheless.

“Score!” Michael said, holding up his hand and Jeremy gave a high five. “Uh, I think I got to like three hundred or something,” Jeremy couldn’t help but stare in disbelief at Michael as he finished his sandwich.

“Michael! That’s like 5 minutes long!” Jeremy praised. “That’s amazing! Where did you even learn to stay under that long?”

“Oh you know. Youtube. The world record for it is like 20 minutes.” Michael shrugged before standing up and smiling at Jeremy and he couldn’t help himself from staring. Michael’s hair, wet and sticking to his face, slightly flushed and Jeremy swore he felt his heart skip a beat. “I think they’re calling for us. Wanna join?” He asked, gesturing to the other pool (which was like 3-5 feet deep) where Brooke was holding up a ball and Jake calling out.

“Uh, yeah, sure, why not?” Jeremy nodded, snapping himself from staring at his bestfriend as he took the last bite from his sandwich. Michael had his hand out and Jeremy took it gladly and helped himself up.

“We’re coming but just so you know, we don’t do sports!” Michael called out as they both walked to where they were playing on the other pool. Jeremy passed the bin and just as he dropped the tissue from the sandwich, he noticed the two red cans.

Jeremy slowed for a bit, just staring at the cans before smiling to himself as he speedup to catch up with Michael. That whole conversation, he didn’t hesitate. He didn’t think twice about passing the empty coke can or the high five or what he should say. He just had did it like normal and it filled Jeremy with pride.

Of course, celebrating had to wait as Michael pushed him into pool and as Jeremy went underwater, he still couldn’t wipe the smile off his face from the realization. Michael showed into view only a few seconds after and Jeremy gave a playful shove before resurfacing.

 _I just had a conversation with someone without thinking twice at all!._ Jeremy thought, taking a breath. _I’m making progress._

Michael resurfaced as well and the first thing out of his mouth is “Oh, and I’m blind. I can barely see shit,” and a beach ball flew directly to his head. “What the fuck, I just said I couldn’t see shit!”

“Just checking!” Rich shouted and Jeremy giggled as Michael went to get the ball.

The scene was hectic but to Jeremy, it’s the best he’s been in since the squip. Everyone was laughing and trying swim away as Michael finally got hold of the beach ball, getting ready to throw it.

“I’ll have you know, I’ve gotten pretty lucky today at throwing things,” Michael shouted, reeling his hand back before throwing it. “into trash cans!”

It hit Rich directly to the back of the head and everyone just lost it (he was also pretty sure Jenna got a picture because he heard a faint _snap_ behind him).

Jeremy was laughing and as he swam away from the five foot and five inches of pumped up energy, he gave a side glance at Michael .

_Ok well, maybe it was because it’s Michael that he had a normal conversation but hey, it’s still progress_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~It's not gay if I say dude and buddy, right?  
>  Also, Rich isn't trash. I love him lots pls dont kill me~~  
> For some reason Michael feels like a perfect/really great guy in this chapter or is it just me? Like, Michael is Perfect™, i know but like it feels _too good_ and maybe a bit OOC. 
> 
> OR maybe it's because this is Jeremy's POV, i dont really freakin know anymore.
> 
> This is 300 words shorter so reading it back felt really short.  
> Feel free to leave a comment and kudos! I'll love u lots if u do.


	3. Hold My Hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Talk™ Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy sHIT I didn't expect this to be a long chapter.
> 
> I would also maybe recommend getting tissues but i dont believe im a good enough writer to make u cry but the suggestion is there.
> 
> Also, what do u think of the title change? I have this Hold thing going on here and im a sucker for parallel stuff and things going full circle.
> 
> Hope u like the read!!!

Jeremy got out of the shower, yawning tiredly and looking at the clock. 12 am. They’ve been swimming all day and fooling around like mad men. It was a total party (as much of a total party eight teenagers can do) with alcohol, a few joints and really bad karaoke.

No one really sings bad in the group. It’s just that after a while, they just started competing on who could get the worse scores rather than the other way around. It was a war zone. Jeremy didn’t think 8 high schoolers could party so hard by themselves.

Jeremy walked the silent hallway to where his room was (bedrooms were in the second floor, everything else was downstairs). The resort had 4 bedrooms so they had to share in pairs. Brooke and Chloe, Christine and Jenna, Rich and Jake, and finally, him and Michael. Everyone had mostly passed out from being either shit-faced drunk or just plain tired from swimming and hitting other people with killer whales and balls. Jeremy gave another yawn just as he passed the jocks’ room and—

Jeremy paused just by their door. _‘Was that creaking? Why is there creaking_ — _You know what. I won’t ask.’_ He shook his head remembering how tired he was and continued on trudging to their room. Jeremy opened the door, the room was dark but everything was still as they left it (which isn’t really all that clean). He plopped down onto the bed and just as his head hits the pillow, he was already out cold.

Jeremy couldn’t stop thinking about what happened at the pool earlier that day. He couldn’t stop thinking about Michael just floating underwater. The whole scene felt surreal and it was just him and Michael. Michael’s hair flowing everywhere and framing his face, his brown skin an eye catch in the blue waters and sunlight just shining and weaving through his form like a spotlight. Jeremy had never seen someone look so peaceful before in the most beautiful way possible. He couldn’t stop himself from getting close. He wanted to remember every detail of it and never forget.

Just as he touched Michael’s cheeks and Michael slowly opened his eyes, Jeremy realized they might have been under too long but that single second of Michael just staring at him like he was the only person the world made Jeremy already breathless as is. They both had come up, breathing heavily and sputtering water and Jeremy practically screeched when he realized Michael probably almost drowned. At that moment, while watching Michael cough out water and try to regain his breathing, Jeremy sort of hated himself again.

He hated that he didn’t just approach Michael to come up. He hated that he fucking waited from _saving_ his bestfriend just so he could take in every little detail he saw (how selfish could he get). He hated the fact that he didn’t ask Michael about him knowing how to stay underwater that long because he fully knows Michael is lying about learning it on youtube. He hated the fact that he probably might not be making any progress at all.

Jeremy would be lying if he said things between him and Michael are all good. It isn’t. It’s not all good and Jeremy is _so terrified_ that it never will be and he might loose the closest person he has in the world. Michael has been there since _forever_ and he didn’t even want to think of him being gone again. If Jeremy leaving Michael hurt like hell then he didn’t want to think about being left behind by Michael. It hurt. It hurt _a lot_. And it’ll probably still hurt a lot more. Jeremy hated himself for what he did. He was an asshole. He turned into the one thing both him and Michael hated. Yet here he was, Michael still forgiving as ever.

And Jeremy hated it.

He hated the fact that Michael is as forgiving as ever because he felt he doesn’t deserve it.

He opened his eyes, groaning and reaching for his phone on the bedside table, flinching at the sudden brightness in the dark. 2 am. Jeremy sat up, feeling heavy and sore from the activities from earlier (not exercising and living off of junk food does that to a person). It felt cold.

Jeremy looked around, his eyes adjusting in the darkness and that’s when he realized Michael wasn’t in bed. Thinking back, he couldn’t even remember if Michael was in bed when he fell asleep. Jeremy got out of bed, taking his sweater hanging from the headboard. As he put it on, he noticed the sliding door to the balcony was open and he can vaguely see Michael’s form (at least he hopes it’s Michael) sitting on the bench.

“Michael?” Jeremy softy called, stepping out into the balcony, seeing Michael just sitting and looking at the sky filled with stars. The only light in the balcony was a hanging small garden lamp by the corner and even with that small amount of light, Jeremy can tell Michael looked tired. “It’s 2 am.”

“Hey, Jere.” Michael sounded _really_ tired. As if he was forcing himself to stay awake. “I couldn’t really sleep. And my DS just died so… I’m just kinda hanging.” Michael explained, his eyes going from the sky to the console in his hands. Jeremy stared at Michael for a second in confusion and concern because Michael never lets his consoles die out.

Jeremy looked back into the room, contemplating on whether to just drag Michael back to bed and sleep or maybe sit with Michael. When Jeremy looked back, Michael was staring at him. Actually, it felt like he was staring right through him and Jeremy wondered if this was what it was like when someone had you on optic nerve blocking.

“Jeremy, can we talk?” Michael asked, yawning and patting the spot next to him and Jeremy hesitantly obliged. Michael’s words were slightly slurred from the lack of sleep. Jeremy watched Michael rub his eyes awake and for some reason, he suddenly became so aware of how close they were sitting together. “But Jeremy, you can’t interrupt, okay?” Michael started. “I’m going to tell you something and you have to let me finish first.”

Jeremy just nodded, confused and slightly nervous at what Michael was about to say. Jeremy noted Michael was wearing glasses before he looked away from Jeremy and taking a deep breath and then exhaling. A pause. It was like the longest pause Jeremy has been in as he waited in anticipation for Michael to start as he fiddled with the DS.

“You’re a dick, Jeremy.” Michael said. “That was all I could think about when you got the Squip. I thought maybe if I just put it in my head that you’ve become too cool for me, I could let you go. I thought that if I just realize that you’re not the Jeremy I know anymore, I could just forget and move on.” Jeremy gazed at Michael, focusing on the words he was saying and letting them sink into his brain.

“That didn’t work though.” Michael gave a small chuckle, glancing at Jeremy for a second before focusing back on the stars. “I wanted to hate you. Hate what you did. Hate the fact that you avoided me and _willingly chose_ to avoid me.” Jeremy flinched. But he didn’t interrupt. “Hate that you left me at the party crying and alone. Hate that you didn’t even check up on me after you’ve heard of the fire.”

Jeremy sat appalled. Michael’s words hitting him like ton of bricks. It was like his breathing was caught in his throat as the realization dawned on him. He didn’t. He didn’t check up on Michael after the fire. Hell, just what happened at the party was horrible enough with Michael probably having an attack, and, oh god, _the fire_. Jeremy kept his eyes on Michael. He wanted to say sorry and how much of a terrible person he was but he held his tongue. He said he wouldn’t interrupt.

“ _But I just couldn’t_. And _it hurt so much_. After what happened at Jake’s party, I couldn’t even stand going inside my own bathroom because _it hurt_ and I would always hear my heart pounding and I would just be stuck on reliving what happened with you leaving me. I know I should’ve just let you go—”

‘ _You should’ve_ ‘, Jeremy thought, his eyes slowly filling up with tears.

“—I know I should’ve just accepted the fact that you’re too cool and I wasn’t and I should’ve just left you alone.”

‘ _No, Michael. You’re way cooler than you think you are. You should’ve left me alone because I was a dick._ ‘

“But there were days where I would sit with you when you’re alone and _pretend_ that we’re alright just like before and that you could _see me_ and we’re just hanging out like always.” Michael was clutching the DS, his voice cracking as he spoke and Jeremy could feel his heart drop. If the tears weren’t pouring before then it sure was now. Jeremy felt so terrible. He looked down at Michael’s shaking hands and reached for them. “I would just _pretend that we were okay_.”

‘ _I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Fuck, Michael, I’m so fucking sorry._ ‘ Jeremy repeated in his head, crying as he held one of Michael’s hands. He didn’t feel like the amount of times he’s said sorry was enough because _he felt so terrible._ Michael’s hand was cold and Jeremy wondered for a moment how long Michael was sitting out here in just a Legend of Zelda T-shirt and pajamas, probably thinking about all these things he’s telling Jeremy right now. Michael had every right to hate Jeremy but _he still didn’t._ Jeremy wanted to speak up but it was like he lost his own voice and he just couldn’t stop the tears from pouring out. ‘ _I’m here. I’m sorry about everything. I’m sorry I didn’t know. I’m so terrible. You deserve so much better. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry_ ‘

“But you know, Jeremy.” Michael gave a shaky breath and Jeremy just noticed through blurry tears that he closed his eyes. “I’m thankful.”

And just like that, Jeremy’s own head seemed to have gone quiet because the way Michael said it was so small yet to Jeremy, it was the only thing he could focus on.

“I’m so thankful and glad that we _are_ okay. Even if not everything is. Even if it’s just a little bit.” Michael’s voice had gone so quiet but it was all Jeremy heard. “I know you don’t think your ‘sorry’s are enough or believe me on forgiving you and you know, sometimes, I don’t either because it _still hurts_ but I can’t help but be _thankful_ that it’s okay _now_ “ Michael’s voice cracking and Jeremy saw his closed eyes pour out with tears like a leaking dam.

Jeremy felt Michael squeeze his hand as he tried wiping them away only for them to spill out again. “I was so scared, Jeremy. I was _so scared_ that you would end up just like the people I heard about.” Michael cried, hiccuping in between words. “I was so terrified especially when you all screamed and you _collapsed_. I thought– _I thought you all— just_ —” A sob escaped Michael’s lips and Jeremy brought his hand own hand to his mouth to stop himself from making a noise, as if a sob would interrupt Michael.

 _‘Oh god, Michael. No.’_ Jeremy wanted to hug his best friend but he was crying and sobbing as well and all he could do was squeeze Michael’s hand back. _‘Michael, it’s okay. I’m sorry. I’m not dead. I’m okay. Please don’t cry.’_

Then Jeremy felt his breathing hitch at what Michael said next.

“ _Jeremy, I love you._ “

Jeremy stared at Michael, his vision still blurry with tears. Michael was still crying with his eyes closed, hand clutching his chest and Jeremy could only just _imagine_ how Michael feels right now. “I love you _so_ _much_ _it hurts_. I was so scared that I lost you for good after you collapsed and— and having to deal with you in the hospital and not being sure if you’d even wake up was so terrifying and _it all hurts, Jeremy_.” Michael sobbed, all his feelings spilling out and Jeremy felt his mind go blank, still processing Michael’s words.

Michael laid his head on Jeremy’s shoulder, the DS forgotten on the side as he clutched onto his sleeve, crying. And at that moment, it did seem like they were the only people in the world. Just two seventeen year old boys crying their eyes out at who knows what hour in the middle of a nowhere resort because they’ve been through things normal seventeen year old boys shouldn’t have gone through.

As their sobs died down, Jeremy remembered how tired Michael was before this and just when he thought he was sleeping on his shoulder, he spoke again.

“You don’t have to be sorry anymore, Jere.” Michael mumbled. It was almost inaudible but Jeremy caught it and he took glance at Michael. Michael’s hold on Jeremy’s hand loosened before it intertwined with his and he couldn’t help but look at it fondly as he squeezed back. “I forgave you after everything because, Jeremy, to me, you being alive and trying for me was the best apology I could ever ask for.”

And then Jeremy released a breath he didn’t know he was holding and he smiled. In joy or in relief, he wasn’t exactly sure. It was like a weight was lifted off him and he could _breath_ again. Jeremy just laid his head on top of Michael (who he was fairly sure was sleeping now) and closing his eyes just to breath and take it all in.

_Michael Mell loved him._

Jeremy gave a breathy chuckle because _wow_. Michael just granted Jeremy’s wishes and _more_. He couldn’t believe what just happened and Jeremy honestly felt light headed because his heart was just brimming with joy because _wow_ , _Michael Mell loved him so much_.

‘ _I love you, too_ ‘ Jeremy wants to say back but he feels like he’ll break something and ruin the whole scene. He felt so happy and elated and joyful because Michael was sleeping on his shoulder, latched onto his arm, one hand intertwined with his. Here he was, at god knows what hour in the morning, sitting quietly and almost breathless because he’s so happy about his best friend loving him.

Jeremy opened his eyes, sitting up straighter but not enough to bother Michael. He glanced down at the sleeping boy on his shoulder. Michael didn’t like what Jeremy did and Jeremy felt horrible about it but that was okay. It was okay because Jeremy finally feels like he’s forgiven. He finally feels like he’s making progress, even of it’s small.

Jeremy nudged Michael, earning a small mumble. “Michael,” Jeremy croaked, his voice dry after so much crying. “Michael, get up. You can’t sleep out here, you’re going to catch a cold.”

Michael let go, half asleep and sitting up, Jeremy practically had to drag the boy to bed. As Jeremy laid Michael down, he took off Michael’s glasses and wiped his eyes with the end of his sleeves, not really wanting him to wake up and not be able to open his eyes because of dried tears. Jeremy’s hand hovered on his cheeks and he smiled again at the memory from what happened earlier that day in the pool.

Yeah, Jeremy might hate himself sometimes but that’s okay because Michael loves Jeremy. And _holy shit_ Jeremy Heere loves his favorite person back. He loves him _so much_ and thank the heavens who fucking created Michael _goddamn_ Mell, the greatest person in the whole universe, and decided to give him to Jeremy.

“I love you, too,” he whispered even though he was sure Michael didn’t hear him. He’d happily repeat it to him anyway.

And for once, Jeremy finally felt maybe, even if it’s just in that moment or in that time, maybe he does deserve the love and happiness after all.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lied about the no angst. 
> 
> This is a horrible chapter because I kept laughing hysterically at my gay jokes and how gay it is while simultaneously sobbing at the angst as I wrote this
> 
>  ~~not so~~ Fun facts  
>  -this was initially going to be a calming talk under the moonlight kind of deal but i kinda sorta really wanted to make Jeremy cry but now everyone is crying  
> -i used to write "Jeremy felt horrible" but switched it to "—so terrible" instead as a reference from the Squip since i don't really talk about him much ~~Angst intensifies~~  
>  -i actually laughed while writing "you're a dick Jeremy" because I'm a horrible person but also because the only after thought is 'be glad Michael actually likes them'  
> -i think u all know wtf the creaking was in jake and rich's room ;) ~~it was the grudge~~  
>  -next chapter is hopefully good because it's Jeremy's turn to talk as he accepts his Gay Love™ for Michael ~~Hint. Everyone dies because of the grudge~~  
>  -i asked my friend which one was better 'ur a dick jeremy' or 'jeremy ur a dick' (it matters a lot to me ok) and she went full on yoda with me with "a dick, jeremy is"  
> -i just imagine michael trying so hard ~~hARD?~~ to not out right confess his feelings for jeremy when he started talking  
>  -the "release a breath he didnt know he was holding..." was much like a reference to Michael liking the first breath after resurfacing
> 
> If u teared up/cry, you have to comment  
> Sorry I dont make the rules

**Author's Note:**

> Hope u like this story so far! I tried my very best.
> 
> My tumblr is just heart-select if anyone wants to talk. I draw stuff sometimes.


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